You can sleep when you're dead.

I hate this phrase. I don't want to sleep when I'm dead, I want to sleep now. At night. When the normal people sleep. For the WHOLE night. But, I have been super busy and already a little bit overwhelmed with the amount of responsibility and the sheer amount of things that I need to get done this semester. There just don't seem like enough hours in the day to get everything done that everyone expects of me. Little did I know, senior year was going to be something I DIDN'T want to participate in, and often this saying starts to become more and more true of my life. But God is good, he is my strength and I am definitely relying on him to get me through the year.
 One thing I learned on summer project that has been huge since coming back is learning that I am just one person, I am not perfect, and I can not be everything to everyone. I cannot fill everyone's expectations perfectly, nor can I handle doing everything anyone ever asks me to. The only person perfect enough to fulfill everyones expectations is Jesus. A huge struggle of mine that God is meeting me in, and freeing me from is the need to never make a mistake. I learned this summer a lot about the fact that me trying to not make mistakes in front of people was a way that I was not being vulnerable or authentic with them.
Authenticity is an idea that is central to the church and to CRU movements as well. Without authenticity you get churches and organizations that cannot welcome people in, because the standard to belong to the group is perfection, and that is unreachable. Without authenticity you get churches full of white washed tombs like the Pharisees in Jesus' day. Without authenticity our church becomes about who is the best actor or actress, who can make everyone believe that they are fine and not falling apart the best. Authenticity is huge in both sharing good things with others, and in showing others that I don't have everything all put together in a pretty little package.  One of my mentors on project challenged me to be vulnerable about my mistakes. To be able to make a mistake and let others interpret that and judge me how they want to. I have started to live my life this way, at first it was extremely hard to resist the urge to instantly fix the mistake, or hide behind excuses, but what I have found, really, is freedom. It is freeing to be able to embrace my imperfection, to let people know that I am not perfect and they don't need to expect me to be. To be able to apologize for not coming through, but then move on. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't some miracle transformation where I understand and can just graciously make mistakes now. No, I still struggle with that awkward combination of being a perfectionist and a procrastinator. But I have been learning, and I have been trying to put what I have been learning into practice. And that is what God desires from us right? To listen to his voice and then act on it. To not sit still, but to live it out.

Back in 'Braska

Well, as is the general theme of this blog, this post is a bit late, but better late than never I suppose. I am back in Nebraska, and I don't really know how I feel about it yet. I dove in head first to the first week of school (I'm already sleep deprived and hopped up on caffeine... and it's only the first day of classes) But I think that is because I am so excited to see how God is moving on the campus of Wayne State College.
I really miss Alaska (especially the weather... I miss wearing jeans and scarves...), but being back has made me realize the amazing beauty that God has blessed us with in Nebraska. I think I got so used to rolling farmland and I forgot how AWESOME it is! It is so beautiful and glorious in its own unique way, just as the forests and mountains are in Alaska  (maybe not QUITE as cool).  I also love being awake to see the sunset and seeing stars again! God is so good and has lavished us in the beauty that surrounds us everyday.
More to come (hopefully in the near future) about what I'm thinking and feeling being back... sometimes I have a hard time collecting my thoughts, and I want to do the summer justice. Thank you all for following my journey this summer, and thank you again to those who supported me with your prayers and with the money that I needed to get there. I am still amazed at the amazing way God has provided for me through you all. God is good. All the time.

Moonshine

It’s an Alaskan miracle!! I have seen the moon! That’s right. It has been so long since I’ve seen the moon or the stars that I forgot that I even missed them. It was probably three times the size that the moon usually is in Nebraska and looked as though it was perched on the peak of a mountain. It was magical how beautiful it was. The creative touch that God put into Alaska is unmistakable when you see things like that. Even one of my non-Christian co-workers commented that Alaska really is God’s country. I think of the verse in Romans that says, “For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities- his eternal power and divine nature have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.” That being said, it amazes me that so little people know about the gospel here. For all of Alaska’s beauty it is one of the most broken communities I have ever encountered in person. Depression and substance abuse, alcoholism and homelessness run rampant, and there are an astounding amount of people who have no idea who Jesus is. I was out sharing my faith on campus with a friend of mine, and we came upon this girl who confidently told us that she had no spiritual background, and she had never heard of who Jesus was before. That amazed me. Growing up in Omaha, and going to school in northeast Nebraska, everyone that I run into has gone to church their whole life, and as college students they are choosing whether or not to continue in that lifestyle of faith or not. It is amazing that people here may have not even heard the name Jesus before. They have no idea of the gift that he has given them, or the freedom that comes from believing in him.

  For those of you wondering how my job is going, I love it. I am working at the breakfast café in the nicest luxury hotel in Anchorage. That was an interesting experience at first, and I didn’t think I would like it. But God has blessed me with some crazy, awesome, passionate co-workers that I have grown to love. I am going to miss them when I leave, I am sad that I only got to work with them for a month and a half. My job has been challenging and through it I have learned what it actually feels like to be a servant. The interesting thing about the café is that most guests are high class older people on cruises. Which means they are entitled, often tired and cranky and always in a hurry. I have never worked a job where I have felt more demanded from and less appreciated than this one, and it is easy to start feeling entitled and think, I don’t deserve this! I am a person too! The employees at this hotel are often treated as a different class of people, and in my pride when I first started I was incredibly offended by that. But God showed me where that pride was in my heart and through this job God has taught me just how much humility is required to serve other people. Jesus was a servant, and he called us to do likewise. But that is hard, especially when we feel like we deserve better than that. Jesus knows what that feels like, he is God and here he is on earth washing his disciples’ feet! But Philippians 2:6-8 says, “Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a human being, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death- even death on a cross!” As a Christian I say that I want to become more like Jesus in my life, and here God has given me a perfect opportunity to show how seriously I am willing to do that. Praise God.