Whatdya stop for?

Have you ever noticed that God is really funny sometimes? This morning I actually laughed- out loud- at God's response to the Israelites when they come to the Red Sea in Exodus 14. Here's what goes down. Pharoah lets the people go, but then God hardens his heart and he thinks to himself, "well that was dumb, who's going to build my giant monuments now?" So he chases after them with his super scary army. Right about this time the Israelites come to the Red Sea. They see Pharoah coming with his army and they cry out to God and to Moses saying, "You have brought us out of Egypt just so we will die in the wilderness!" God's response is hilarious. In Exodus 14:15 God says to Moses, "Why are you crying out to me? Tell the Israelites to move on."Like, "Duh!"
I can only imagine my response if I were an Israelite. "Move on God? Do you see where I am right now? There is an OCEAN in front of me! I can't move on! Where would I move to?" The funny thing is, God has heard these exact statements from me in the very recent past (like last week, and yesterday... and probably at some point this morning too). I am always sad when I think how alike I am with the Israelites. The Israelites dissapoint me in their lack of faith throughout the old testament, and yet I am in the wilderness with them right now in my life, and instead of trusting God to not let me die out here, I have plopped down on a rock and instead of looking for a miraculous way forward have asked God, why? why am I out here when I could be a slave to my pride and my selfishness, but at least I wouldn't be looking out at this seemingly impossible future.
 Luckily in this scenario, God has seen it before. He is not surprised that here I am, a bump on a log looking for my own way out.
Moses' response to the Israelites is amazing too. In verse 14, before God has told them to keep moving and proceeds to tell Moses that he will split the sea, Moses tells the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still." (NIV) I like the ESV translation of verse fourteen better. It is much more appropriate for my life, "The Lord will fight for you; you need only be silent." Yup. That sure does sound like my problem. If the Israelites could just stop worrying about their own problems for 2 seconds, and stop asking God why, they would have seen his plan. They just needed to be still and silent for a little bit longer. I often jump the gun in my prayers too, and by then I am worrying so much that I miss the miraculous that God was going to do in that situation. What I need is to have a Moses for those situations that can say, Hey Kristen, sit down (oh wait.. you already are since you've been camped out on that rock for a while) and shut up. God is fighting for you, so you don't need to be fighting your own fight all the time. God is fighting for you, so keep going. You aren't done yet.

What God is teaching me today

Today I was reading and meditating on Isaiah chapter 4. It is really short, so I'll type it all out here.

"In that day seven women will all take hold of one man and say, 'We will eat our own food and provide our own clothes; only let us be called by your name. Take away our disgrace!' in that day the Branch of the Lord will be beautiful and glorious and the fruit of the land will be the pride and glory of the survivors in Israel. Those who are left in Zion, who remain in Jerusalem, will be called holy, all who are recorded among the living in Jerusalem. The Lord will wash aweay the filth of the women of Zion; he will cleanse the bloodstains from Jerusalem by a spirit of judgment and a spirit of fire. Then the Lord with create over all of Mount Zion and over those who assemble there a cloud of smoke by day and a glow of flaming fire by night; over everything the glory will be a canopy. It will be a shelter and shade from the heat of the day, and a refuge and hiding place from the storm and rain."

So, to give a little context, this passage follows a chapter in which God talks about how far Jerusalem falls short when being judged. There is even a specific section at the end of chapter 3 that describes how detestable the women of Zion are, and how God is going to punish them for their sins. (in case you haven't read it, there are sores and baldness involved... so not pleasant for a pretty lady). There were a few things about chapter 4 though that stood out to me today.

1. God is the one that redeems. The people of Israel are being judged by God, and they do not measure up, and so in response to this God redeems them. In verse one the women are begging for someone to take away their disgrace, and in verse 4 God says, "The Lord will wash away the filth of the women of Zion; he will cleanse the bloodstains from Jerusalem." I need to be reminded so many times that I cannot redeem myself. I cannot ever measure up to God's perfect righteousness and how much more blessed would my life be if I lived like that 24/7!
2. The redemption that God brings is painful and hard. The second half of verse 4 says, "he will cleanse the bloodstains from Jerusalem by a spirit of judgment and a spirit of fire." The tools that God uses to cleanse us when we are dirty and filthy with sin is judgement and fire. How accurate that is of life! It hurts to be made aware that you don't measure up, at least that is true for me. It hurts me to be a failure. But like 1 Peter 1:7 talks about, Gold and other precious metals are refined and perfected through fire. The heat burns away the impurities and makes the metal perfect which is what makes it precious. Fire, heat, discomfort are all necessary in making us turn from our sins and back to the goodness of God.
3. The third thing that strikes me about this passage is God's consistancy. Here God is rescuing and redeeming the women of Zion from sin (again), and the sign of his presence is the same here as when he rescues the Israelites from Egypt.  Exodus 13:21-22 says, " By day the Lord went ahead of them in a pillar of cloud to guide them on theri way and by night in a pilar of fire to give them light, so that they could travel by day or night. Neither the pillar of cloud by day nor the pillar of fire by nihgt left its place in front of the people." Coincidence? I think not. The consistancy of God blows me away. Here God gives the people the exact same sign both times he rescues them. There can be no doubt that God is the one doing the redemption, because here is God revealing himself hundreds of years apart, but in the exact same way.

You can sleep when you're dead.

I hate this phrase. I don't want to sleep when I'm dead, I want to sleep now. At night. When the normal people sleep. For the WHOLE night. But, I have been super busy and already a little bit overwhelmed with the amount of responsibility and the sheer amount of things that I need to get done this semester. There just don't seem like enough hours in the day to get everything done that everyone expects of me. Little did I know, senior year was going to be something I DIDN'T want to participate in, and often this saying starts to become more and more true of my life. But God is good, he is my strength and I am definitely relying on him to get me through the year.
 One thing I learned on summer project that has been huge since coming back is learning that I am just one person, I am not perfect, and I can not be everything to everyone. I cannot fill everyone's expectations perfectly, nor can I handle doing everything anyone ever asks me to. The only person perfect enough to fulfill everyones expectations is Jesus. A huge struggle of mine that God is meeting me in, and freeing me from is the need to never make a mistake. I learned this summer a lot about the fact that me trying to not make mistakes in front of people was a way that I was not being vulnerable or authentic with them.
Authenticity is an idea that is central to the church and to CRU movements as well. Without authenticity you get churches and organizations that cannot welcome people in, because the standard to belong to the group is perfection, and that is unreachable. Without authenticity you get churches full of white washed tombs like the Pharisees in Jesus' day. Without authenticity our church becomes about who is the best actor or actress, who can make everyone believe that they are fine and not falling apart the best. Authenticity is huge in both sharing good things with others, and in showing others that I don't have everything all put together in a pretty little package.  One of my mentors on project challenged me to be vulnerable about my mistakes. To be able to make a mistake and let others interpret that and judge me how they want to. I have started to live my life this way, at first it was extremely hard to resist the urge to instantly fix the mistake, or hide behind excuses, but what I have found, really, is freedom. It is freeing to be able to embrace my imperfection, to let people know that I am not perfect and they don't need to expect me to be. To be able to apologize for not coming through, but then move on. Now, don't get me wrong, this isn't some miracle transformation where I understand and can just graciously make mistakes now. No, I still struggle with that awkward combination of being a perfectionist and a procrastinator. But I have been learning, and I have been trying to put what I have been learning into practice. And that is what God desires from us right? To listen to his voice and then act on it. To not sit still, but to live it out.

Back in 'Braska

Well, as is the general theme of this blog, this post is a bit late, but better late than never I suppose. I am back in Nebraska, and I don't really know how I feel about it yet. I dove in head first to the first week of school (I'm already sleep deprived and hopped up on caffeine... and it's only the first day of classes) But I think that is because I am so excited to see how God is moving on the campus of Wayne State College.
I really miss Alaska (especially the weather... I miss wearing jeans and scarves...), but being back has made me realize the amazing beauty that God has blessed us with in Nebraska. I think I got so used to rolling farmland and I forgot how AWESOME it is! It is so beautiful and glorious in its own unique way, just as the forests and mountains are in Alaska  (maybe not QUITE as cool).  I also love being awake to see the sunset and seeing stars again! God is so good and has lavished us in the beauty that surrounds us everyday.
More to come (hopefully in the near future) about what I'm thinking and feeling being back... sometimes I have a hard time collecting my thoughts, and I want to do the summer justice. Thank you all for following my journey this summer, and thank you again to those who supported me with your prayers and with the money that I needed to get there. I am still amazed at the amazing way God has provided for me through you all. God is good. All the time.

Moonshine

It’s an Alaskan miracle!! I have seen the moon! That’s right. It has been so long since I’ve seen the moon or the stars that I forgot that I even missed them. It was probably three times the size that the moon usually is in Nebraska and looked as though it was perched on the peak of a mountain. It was magical how beautiful it was. The creative touch that God put into Alaska is unmistakable when you see things like that. Even one of my non-Christian co-workers commented that Alaska really is God’s country. I think of the verse in Romans that says, “For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities- his eternal power and divine nature have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.” That being said, it amazes me that so little people know about the gospel here. For all of Alaska’s beauty it is one of the most broken communities I have ever encountered in person. Depression and substance abuse, alcoholism and homelessness run rampant, and there are an astounding amount of people who have no idea who Jesus is. I was out sharing my faith on campus with a friend of mine, and we came upon this girl who confidently told us that she had no spiritual background, and she had never heard of who Jesus was before. That amazed me. Growing up in Omaha, and going to school in northeast Nebraska, everyone that I run into has gone to church their whole life, and as college students they are choosing whether or not to continue in that lifestyle of faith or not. It is amazing that people here may have not even heard the name Jesus before. They have no idea of the gift that he has given them, or the freedom that comes from believing in him.

  For those of you wondering how my job is going, I love it. I am working at the breakfast café in the nicest luxury hotel in Anchorage. That was an interesting experience at first, and I didn’t think I would like it. But God has blessed me with some crazy, awesome, passionate co-workers that I have grown to love. I am going to miss them when I leave, I am sad that I only got to work with them for a month and a half. My job has been challenging and through it I have learned what it actually feels like to be a servant. The interesting thing about the café is that most guests are high class older people on cruises. Which means they are entitled, often tired and cranky and always in a hurry. I have never worked a job where I have felt more demanded from and less appreciated than this one, and it is easy to start feeling entitled and think, I don’t deserve this! I am a person too! The employees at this hotel are often treated as a different class of people, and in my pride when I first started I was incredibly offended by that. But God showed me where that pride was in my heart and through this job God has taught me just how much humility is required to serve other people. Jesus was a servant, and he called us to do likewise. But that is hard, especially when we feel like we deserve better than that. Jesus knows what that feels like, he is God and here he is on earth washing his disciples’ feet! But Philippians 2:6-8 says, “Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a human being, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death- even death on a cross!” As a Christian I say that I want to become more like Jesus in my life, and here God has given me a perfect opportunity to show how seriously I am willing to do that. Praise God.

The waiting game

If you have ever been on a mission trip, or been to summer camp you probably understand the feeling of having no idea how to describe your experience to someone else. God does such amazing and radical things in your life in such a short amount of time that while it makes sense to you there is no concievable way to put it into words that will make sense to other people.
I just tried to start a post describing some of the amazing things that God has been doing in my heart, I didn't make it very far into the post before I realized I had no idea how to connect what was on  my mind with my fingers typing. I will say that I have experienced God's grace and love and correction in my life in amazing ways in the first three weeks of this summer project. It amazes me that the summer is not even halfway over yet.
One thing I have learned a ton about in these first weeks is God's provision. I came to project trusting that God would provide me a job this summer as a means of outreach into the community. More specifically I came to project thinking that I would of course get a job within the first week and that it would be the job that I applied for and really wanted. That is not what God had in store for me. I finished up my third day of work on Saturday at not the place that I thought I would end up, after almost three weeks of job hunting, in which I really learned what it meant to wait expectantly on the Lord. The thing I learned about waiting for God's provision that is the most profound I think, is that God will answer prayers in his own way and in his own time, that means that as we wait for the Lord to provide our prayers, we can still be doing things. I think that I applied to at least thirty jobs before I got a call back about one of them. Everyday I would pray that God's will would be done and that he would provide me with a job, but everyday I was still applying to more places to allow God to work through that effort. It doesn't mean that we can pray to God and then "figure it out" ourselves, or pray to God and then do what we want anyway, but praying expectantly does mean that when we pray we have to take steps to put ourselves in situations that allow God to move and work in our lives. That was a hard and humbling lesson for me to learn right off the bat. But one thing that God made abundantly clear through this experience is that he works in mysterious and amazing ways, and that living trusting in him will always be interesting.
Romans 8:28

The glory of God.

Me on the top of Flattop Mountain

At the risk of sounding like all I've done and experienced in Alaska so far is mountain climbing, I'm going to talk about more mountains today. Friday was the first time I had ever climbed a mountain, and Monday I took my sabbath day and climbed an even higher mountain with some staff and students on the project. It. Was. Hard. I don't think any of us students were quite ready for what we got ourselves into. We climbed Wolverine Peak which has an elevation gain of 3380 feet (that is compared to an elevation gain of 1300 feet at Flattop). It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but we made it to the top. As we sat at the top of the mountain enjoying lunch, we were actually in a cloud. It was amazing. Until it started sprinkling, which turned into a downpour, which then turned into hail. I think if my group had been anyone different it would have been miserable, but as it was, hail and all, the hike was amazing.
I don't think I have ever understood the glory and majesty of God quite as well as I do at the top of a mountain. You look down, and trees that are twenty or thirty feet tall look an inch high. You see people standing against the backdrop of taller, snowier mountains and you realize how tiny and insignificant we are compared to these monstrous rocks. It is amazing to me that God spoke those monstrous structures into being, that those mountains might not look like they used to when they were first created, but that is all part of the plan.

The view of higher mountains from the top of Flattop (Wolverine is back there somewhere)

 The mountains have made me think a lot about faith too. I think about the time when Jesus tells his disciples, "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can tell this mountain 'move from here to there', and it will move." That is amazing to me, especially after seeing mountains and being on the top of one of them. It makes me think of something that Charles Spurgeon wrote in his book All of Grace, he says, that just as slender telephone wires can conduct a message great distances so is our faith. We have to remember that even if our faith is as weak as the most slender wire, we have to remember that the wire of our faith is plugged into the infinite power of God. The powerful God that created the vast and magnificent mountains, and created the intricacies and personalities of human beings is the source of our power, not our faith. That even weak faith is still faith and can still connect us to our awesome God.